You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Randomize
