That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
it hurts more in the daytime
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
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going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
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I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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