So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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