96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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