I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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