someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The struggles of a small town man whore
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
