Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
