I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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