you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
