After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
