OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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