also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
