I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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