$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
