I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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