Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
