i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
