It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
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After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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