I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
