Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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