Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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