Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.