hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
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Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
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Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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