I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
