so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
FUCK WHALES
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
