you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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