My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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