Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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