Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
