Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
