birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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