I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
one two three fourrrrnication!
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
