Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
