He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
