What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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