i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
