Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You pole danced in your parka.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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