i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
