He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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