anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
