the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
