When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
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On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
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He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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