This girl is more easily done than said...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
