if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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