Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
