I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
