I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
