even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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