My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
