We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
