I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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