Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
