My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
